Trump To Establish Executive Department For Martial Arts

In a stunning decision that comes from seemingly nowhere, President Trump has announced, via executive order, the creation of a Ministry of Martial Arts that will take its rightful place in the US Cabinet. Among other injunctions, martial arts curricula will become mandatory for all able bodied youngsters who attend public or private schools, including those who are homeschooled.

"I just learned that another great Republican, the great Theodore Roosevelt, earned a brown belt in judo. Teddy was scrawny and sickly as a child, but he built himself up. So in this spirit I will make it compulsory for today's youth to learn the martial art of their choice — with the best ones to compete at the highest level. We don't win like we used to and I don't care for losers, but all that will change, let me tell you," said the president. "We'll take so many trophies and gold medals it will make your head spin!"

Candidates to head this new executive office include Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal. "I don't recall Norris endorsing me during the campaign, so I'm thinking about giving Steven a call," Trump said. "He'll get confirmed easily, but I think he'll pass on the title 'Secretary.' That sounds weak."

Sensei Seagal was not available for comment as he's recently taken citizenship in Russia.

Hmmm...